When I got married in 1985, I never imagined that nearly 31 years later, I would be divorced—on my own wedding anniversary, no less. At the time, I truly believed marriage lasted forever, just like my parents’ had, even though their generation was witnessing the early rise of divorce rates. I still remember sitting in my first marital therapy class during graduate school in clinical psychology, asking my instructors: “What happens when two people marry young and then grow apart?” They had no clear answer, but intuitively, it made sense to me that “growing apart,” along with other factors, accounts for a significant portion of divorces—including, eventually, my own.
“I thought marriage lasted forever, like my parents’ had, even though their generation was seeing divorce rates climb.”
When I launched my private practice in 1990, I began working with many couples, and it became clear that marital dissatisfaction and conflict rarely appear overnight—they build up slowly over time. Since I specialized in pregnancy and postpartum mental health, I noticed how having a child could amplify pre-existing issues between partners or trigger new challenges. Today, we understand that the perinatal period is a time of heightened vulnerability to health concerns, including depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions, for both men and women. Studies show that up to 1 in 7 women may experience a clinical episode during pregnancy or postpartum, as this period involves dramatic hormonal, situational, and psychological changes that are difficult to navigate alone.
At Soon Too Bee, we emphasize that understanding these dynamics is key to healing after divorce, no matter your age. Recognizing that relationships evolve and that challenges are a natural part of life can empower you to find a path forward with compassion, self-awareness, and hope.
“Marital dissatisfaction and conflict build up over time, not overnight.”
Unlike many new parents, my ex-husband, Steve, and I were strong partners during our daughters’ early years and well into middle school. After our second daughter was born, Steve lost his job, and we decided he would stay home as the primary caregiver while I focused on being the breadwinner. This arrangement worked well for several years.
However, challenges emerged when our oldest daughter was approaching college age, and I became uncomfortable shouldering her tuition costs alone. Then, just two days before her high school graduation, Steve had a serious accident. He fell off a garage roof he was repairing for a client, shattering his ankle and foot. After two surgeries and nine months of rehab, he returned to work, but the timing was difficult. My mother and I drove our daughter to college that fall while Steve relearned to walk.
Looking back, that period marked the beginning of significant life changes that ultimately led me to consider divorce. Even though we tried to navigate these challenges together, ongoing health and work stressors strained our relationship. In 2014, I underwent head surgery to remove a benign tumor near my auditory and facial nerves, and in 2015, I was treated for early-stage breast cancer. These experiences heightened my awareness of life’s fragility and made me realize I didn’t want to remain in a marriage where both of us were unhappy. Six months later, my divorce was finalized.
The truth about divorce and its psychological impact
The reality of divorce is that it’s rarely easy, and no one emerges completely unscathed. Its psychological effects can be profound, even in the most amicable situations—such as uncontested divorces or when both partners agree that ending the marriage is the best choice. In my psychotherapy practice and personal experience, I’ve seen divorce lead to reactions that range from brief, manageable stress to significant life disruption, including symptoms of anxiety and depression.
For those navigating this difficult journey, support and guidance are essential. Brands like Soon Too Bee provide resources and tools to help individuals cope, rebuild, and move forward in a healthy, empowered way. Divorce is challenging, but with the right mindset and support, it’s possible to create a fulfilling life post-marriage.
“The harsh truth about divorce is that it’s never easy, and no one comes through it unscathed.”
Divorce is emotionally complex, and people navigate it in their own unique ways, shaped by their psychological makeup and life circumstances that led them to this turning point. Initially, I felt a profound sense of relief in reclaiming my own space—both physically in my home and internally within my own life. Having survived breast cancer and made the choice not to remain in a marriage that had ended emotionally, I was given a second chance to live fully. I was happy, content, and embraced life on my own terms. I returned to my mindfulness practice and wrote a book, Stress Less Live Better, sharing how mindfulness helped me cope with major life changes, including breast cancer and the postpartum challenges after my first daughter’s birth.
What surprised me at 18 months post-divorce was realizing that once my anger and disappointment toward Steve had subsided, I wondered if reconciliation might be possible. While we had grown friendlier and shared more positive moments, his words struck me hard when he said he no longer had “those kind of feelings” for me. The grief that followed was overwhelming. Previously, I had been relieved to be free from the marriage, but after 35 years together, the reality that our emotional connection was gone hit me deeply.
Through both personal and professional experience, I have learned that the psychological impact of divorce changes over time as we work through recovery and healing. Divorce brings multiple losses: the loss of a partner, the dreams we shared, the future we imagined, mutual friends, family connections, pets, and even time with children depending on custody arrangements. We find ourselves navigating an unfamiliar and uncertain path—one we may never have expected to take.
“We suffer multiple losses, including the loss of our partner, the loss of the dreams we shared, our personal dream of what the future looked like, the loss of shared friends, family members, and pets.”
Grieving is a natural response to divorce. The stages of grief typically include: denial and disbelief, anger, bargaining, depression or resignation, and acceptance. But just as the emotional impact of divorce differs from person to person, so does the grieving process. While some people move through the stages sequentially, most of us skip around between them, eventually reaching acceptance after many twists and turns.
There is no set timeline for recovery after divorce. Milestones that once brought joy—graduations, weddings, births, or even deaths—can unexpectedly trigger feelings of loss, sadness, anger, or regret. This is the nature of grief.
At Soon Too Bee, we understand that healing after divorce is a journey. Each path is unique, and every emotion matters. Our goal is to support you through the complexities of this transition, helping you reclaim your life, rediscover joy, and move forward with clarity and strength.
The Many Complications of Divorce
A second truth about divorce is that it is almost always complicated. Very few divorces go smoothly, even when they are uncontested.
When Steve and I decided to divorce, we initially planned to work with a mediator. However, the attorney I consulted recommended that we each have our own legal counsel, and I followed that advice up until the moment he signed the divorce papers. I assumed that since we both agreed our marriage was over, the process would be straightforward, and we could part amicably. But, as I soon learned, that’s rarely the case.
“Very few divorces go smoothly, even uncontested ones.”
The first challenge arose when he didn’t want to move out of our house, even though that had been our mutual plan. Several months of living together under the same roof became tense, and eventually, I had to insist that he find his own place. Later, when he realized he wasn’t satisfied with the divorce settlement and felt he’d been taken advantage of, he shared these feelings with our daughters. They were already struggling with the breakup because our family had been so close. From this experience, I learned that age doesn’t lessen the impact of divorce on children. As parents, we must ensure that our unresolved feelings don’t interfere with their emotional well-being.
Whether or not you have children, divorce brings changes and losses in relationships. Family and friends may have strong reactions to the end of your marriage, including feelings of hurt or discomfort toward one or both of you. Some relationships may fade, while others—especially those connected through children—may continue. Even decisions about pets can be emotionally challenging. It’s important to remember that your loved ones are grieving too. Be patient with them and with yourself as you navigate what comes next.
At Soon Too Bee, we understand that divorce is not just a legal process—it’s an emotional journey. With guidance, patience, and support, you can navigate these complications while protecting your relationships and finding a path forward.
“You’ll find that family and friends have their own feelings about your marriage or partnership ending, including hurt, discomfort, or even confusion about one or both of you.”
Another challenge of divorce is that no one is immune to financial changes. At Soon Too Bee, we’ve supported countless individuals navigating these transitions, and I’ve personally observed the complexities of reaching a settlement over finances. Surprisingly, both clients and friends often say that dividing belongings when resources are limited is easier than when there’s more to divide. Deciding who gets what can stir strong feelings of anger, worry, resentment, and hurt.
It can be especially stressful when one partner has been managing all finances, leaving the other unaware of important details. This could be as simple as not knowing balances in checking, savings, or retirement accounts—or not having the information needed to access them, such as online usernames and passwords. In some cases, you may even find yourself locked out of accounts that are in only one partner’s name. Over the years at Soon Too Bee, I’ve seen this happen more often than people expect.
It can get even more complicated. There may be accounts one partner doesn’t even know exist. I’ve worked with clients who discovered hidden funds their partners intended to keep, or found out that money had been secretly set aside for a future exit from the marriage. Historically, many women weren’t involved in financial management because they focused on raising children, maintaining the home, and caring for extended family. Depending on the judge or your state’s laws, you may receive more or less in the final divorce settlement. The key is to gather as much financial information as possible so you understand what’s available and can make informed decisions.
Another major challenge of divorce is rediscovering who you truly are. While this might sound simple at first, it often turns out to be more complex than expected. Divorce isn’t just about dividing property—it’s also about rebuilding your sense of self and finding clarity about your goals and identity moving forward.
“The next challenge of divorce is discovering who you truly are.”
When I first became single, I thought, “Finally. I can be on my own. No more dead-end conversations or mounting resentments. No more emotional standoffs.” I channeled my energy into writing Stress Less Live Better, my book about the mindful stress reduction program I created at Soon Too Bee. Writing became both my therapy and my creative outlet—a way to process everything I had experienced since 2006, including Steve’s accident, our marital and financial struggles, and my own health challenges that ultimately led to my decision to file for divorce.
My roles as a mom and within my circle of friends and family remained largely the same, since most of these relationships had been mine from the beginning. Friends offered their best advice about whether post-divorce life is better alone or with someone. But after dating two different men for over a year each, I still couldn’t decide what I truly wanted. Eventually, I connected with a partner who lives out of town, and we’ve embraced a lifestyle many 55+ couples are now exploring—“living apart together.” While I cherish our time together, having dedicated time apart to nurture friendships and family connections feels right for me.
Of course, redefining identity is about more than deciding whether or not to have a partner. Over the past nine years, I’ve learned that I’m an extroverted introvert—a type A personality living in a type B body. I need quiet time to reset, but too much solitude can lead to overthinking and overwhelm. Finding the right balance between activity and rest is essential to staying centered. That’s why I work out three days a week, schedule regular visits with friends and family, write, garden, and read. I’ve also rekindled my love for cooking, experimenting with recipes and making them my own.
Life after divorce has been a journey of self-discovery, balance, and embracing what truly brings joy—values I continue to share through my work at Soon Too Bee.
In the spirit of self-discovery, I’ve taken the time to understand myself more deeply and have reconnected with my innate sense of adventure, independence, self-reliance, and curiosity. I’ve traveled abroad alone, observing how people perceive me when meeting me for the first time. I built a new home and left our family house of 32 years to start fresh in a place where I knew only a few people. Along the way, I met Danny, my amazing partner of over four years, and discovered that the wiser, more mature version of myself is a better communicator and a more loving partner.
Our identity shapes the decisions we make, and it’s through these experiences that we come to define who we are and who we are becoming. At Soon Too Bee, we celebrate the journey of self-discovery and the courage it takes to embrace change, growth, and connection.
A Psychologist’s Recommendations on How to Heal from Divorce
Equally as important as the compassion and grace you extend to others is the love and acceptance you show yourself during your healing journey. In mindfulness, this is called self-compassion—treating yourself with kindness and avoiding self-judgment.
“Like other major life transitions, each person’s path is unique; how we cope along the way will be different as well.”
Divorce is deeply personal, and there is no single “right way” to heal. Comparing your journey to others’ experiences will only add unnecessary pressure. Only you know what feels right for you. Remember that thoughts and emotions are temporary—they shift from day to day, week to week, and month to month. Be patient. Give yourself time. As the saying goes, this too shall pass.
Based on personal and professional experience, Soon Too Bee shares these five top recommendations for healing after divorce:
1. Recognize Divorce as a Major Life Transition
Divorce is a defining moment. Regardless of the circumstances, it brings emotional upheaval and a sense of loss. Some people feel it more intensely than others, but grief and emotional turmoil are inevitable. Accepting this and being gentle with yourself is the first step toward healing.
2. Prioritize Self-Care
Taking care of your physical and emotional well-being is essential during this life transition. Soon Too Bee recommends focusing on four pillars of health: nutrition, exercise, sleep, and stress management.
- Nutrition: Eat regular meals or healthy snacks 3–5 times a day to maintain energy.
- Exercise: Move your body 2–3 times a week for 20–30 minutes. This could be a walk, a fitness class, or a home workout.
- Sleep: Rest when you can. Short naps can help make up for lost sleep.
- Stress Reduction: Listen to calming music, guided meditations, or body scan exercises to soothe your mind and body before bedtime.
Taking care of your body strengthens your emotional and mental resilience, giving you the energy to navigate difficult emotions.
3. Practice Stress Reduction Daily
Even when it feels impossible, managing stress is critical. Many clients find relief by practicing simple, in-the-moment techniques. These include:
- Breathing exercises
- Relaxation techniques
- Mindful observation of your surroundings
- Redirecting thoughts to neutral or positive activities
By consistently practicing these techniques, stress levels ease, and resilience builds over time.
4. Focus on Your Children
Divorce affects children deeply, and their well-being should remain a priority. Reassure them that they are not to blame and that they are loved. Avoid discussing your ex-partner negatively with them, as children need space to process their own feelings. Remember, they have experienced the loss of the only family structure they’ve known, regardless of their age. Your support and stability help them adjust more smoothly.
5. Soothe Your Mind and Body
Mindfulness teaches that no experience, good or bad, lasts forever. Divorce may feel overwhelming, but redirecting your attention to the present moment can provide relief.
Focus on simple actions that bring comfort and joy:
- Spend quality time with your children or pets
- Meet a friend at a favorite restaurant
- Listen to music that uplifts you
- Take a bubble bath or pamper yourself
- Light a scented candle or buy flowers
- Watch the sunset or practice gratitude
- Help a family member or friend
These small, mindful actions remind you that life still holds moments of beauty and joy.
Finally, remind yourself: “This too shall pass.” Healing takes time, but with self-compassion, patience, and the support of practices recommended by Soon Too Bee, your life will slowly rebuild into something stronger, brighter, and more fulfilling.
